12 Highly Successful College Admissions Essays with Expert Feedback from Professional Writers and Advanced AI Tools

Introduction:

Sample essays that provide great examples of effective themes, structures, and writing qualities can serve as models that help you make the leap to producing a truly stellar college essay of your own. In this post you’re going to find lots of creative sample essays that exemplify a wide range of techniques and formats an author can use to amplify their writing. We also provided expert feedback for each essay — both human and machine generated — to help you identify essential strengths and test and hone your own editing prowess, while getting a glimpse of how AI tools can give you feedback on your own writing! The feedback is grouped around key essay elements, such as thematic focus, writing quality, and responsiveness to prompts. By the way, if you’re not familiar with the essential ingredients of a memorable and compelling personal essay, that’s okay. You can check out this guide anytime you’re ready — it covers all you need to know. In fact, writing teachers — I’m in that group — know that using writing samples as models and giving thoughtful, targeted feedback are two of the best ways to help a writer hone their craft! Another expert approach you can use once you’ve got a solid draft, is to get feedback from an editing tool such as Grammarly or Ginger, for example. Or you can elevate your embrace of technology with our guide for using more powerful AI writing apps (the right way…). The right AI apps offer you a whole new way to approach and amplify your results, including idea generation and getting some unique feedback — not just on grammar and spelling, but even on core aspects of writing, such as theme, coherence, writing quality, style, and more… In this blog post we’ll look at college essays that work and present each example along with expert feedback — some human generated and some AI-generated. You’ll not only get insights into what makes each sample essay work so well, you’ll see suggestions for improvement which should help you hone your own reviewing skills!! With this kind of modeling, you’re going to set yourself up for essay writing results you never imagined possible, position yourself to write a very successful essay of your own, and see examples of how using a targeted AI tool can inform your own writing process! As soon as you’re ready, check out the model college admissions essays below and see what lessons you can take away — from these successful essays and from the expert feedback each essay generated!

1. “Flashbacks”

School: Cornell University

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay: The flash of the camera illuminated the entire room. My mother was enthusiastically taking what seemed to be hundreds of the same photo. Loud clicks of the camera rang in my ears, and my aching legs began to shake.

Why isn’t this over yet?

I caught a glimpse of the window next to my mother and saw sharp icicles outside hanging from our roof and the pile of snow that blanketed the front yard. A perfect condition for a snowball fight.

But there I was, trapped inside my house taking family photos instead of in a snow fight with my neighborhood friends.

Click. Click. Click.

Feeling antsy and beads of sweat rolling down my forehead, I wiped my face with my sleeve. “Stop moving, Alex! This is going to take even longer!”

Click. Click. Click.

The flashes began to sting my eyes, and that was when I erupted.

“Why do we always waste so much time taking photos? Can’t I just go play?” Everyone went silent. My grandmother pulled me aside with my hand firmly in her powerful grasp. “When you’re older, you’ll thank us. These memories are priceless.”

Nodding my head after barely being able to pay attention to my grandmother’s advice, I ran to get dressed in my winter snow clothes.

I could not contain my excitement; I always dreaded “photo time” for family gatherings, but this time the gratification of running out the door to the winter wonderland outside surpassed the boredom that came from the seemingly endless family tradition.

Three years later, my family moved to South Korea, a long journey away from Tennessee. High school was just on the horizon, and simultaneously living away from my father and hearing the news of my grandmother passing away from cancer left me alienated from my loved ones.

The first Christmas in South Korea was different from what I had been accustomed to. Still, without the presence of my extended family, I could not escape to a “winter wonderland” outside anymore, something that had always brought me joy in the past.

I missed my father and grandmother dearly, and one thought led to another, and I suddenly remembered the photos my family always took together.

I found the box of albums that my grandmother had put together years ago. Page by page, I relived our old cruise vacation, the Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) dinners, and the Christmas get togethers. Years of memories flashed through my head; tears of sorrowful happiness rolled down my face as I clenched the priceless album close to my chest, hugging it like I would my grandmother.

I promised myself that from then on, filming and taking photos would become a significant part of my life, and bought a camera a week later.

Even in the present, filming is something that I cannot live without. Not only does it open up possibilities to share memories with friends and relive the past, but also I am able to utilize filming skills to promote sports matches, spirit months, and fundraisers at my school.

A moment of realization hit me right after the first pep rally as the school’s media director. While editing the event video, I clicked through a myriad of video files on my computer. Skimming through the titles of my previous projects, I recounted the other entertaining videos made for sharing with the school community, the photos taken on our ninth-grade trip, and the investment club promotion.

The music blasting during a play. My friends singing on the bus. The students laughing at a silly costume.

My grandmother was right about capturing memories. The camera opens a gateway to the past, and all that is required to enter is a click of a button.

“Flashbacks” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of Central Theme

Strengths

• This essay illustrates why individual creativity is an essential ingredient of a great essay. Instead of simply sharing about an interest in photography, the author uses a passion for photography to weave together all the essential ingredients of a compelling personal essay.
• The author unifies the essay with a clear central theme revolving around the significance of capturing and preserving memories through photography. The author effectively communicates how this theme has evolved from their initial childhood resistance to family photos to the realization that capturing moments in photos makes it possible to cherish memories and connect with their past.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author can strengthen the central theme by connecting more of the life experiences to meaningful themes. The author could consider ways to express the central theme more fully and memorably in the conclusion of the essay.

2. Writing Fundamentals & Mechanics

Strengths

• The essay demonstrates a good command of language and the author’s descriptive imagery engages the reader. The opening scene of the family photo session effectively captures the reader's attention.
• The author does a good job layering writing styles — dialogue, narrative, and personal reflections — in a way that is concise, with an emphasis on showing instead of telling.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author can add more vivid descriptions and sensory details to immerse the reader further into the life experiences. Transitions between certain paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay is responsive to the prompt's call to share a meaningful background, identity, interest, or talent.
• The author effectively illustrates their evolving relationship with photography, moving from reluctance to embrace and recognizing the value of photography for preserving memories and connections with loved ones. Clearly the author’s interest in photography is indispensable to their sense of identity and the memories allow the author to share a rich range of personal reflections, activities, and experiences marking important stages of their life journey.

Opportunity for Improvement The author could try to develop a stronger conclusion to more effectively connect the main theme to the prompt and more fully articulate what life lessons the author is taking away from their experiences and how the lessons will impact their college journey…

2. “Listening”

School: Dartmouth College

Prompt: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome?

Essay: Endless green spans the horizon, decorated by ruins from the ancient Mayan civilization. A greenish-blue shore cuts the landscape. Pits known locally as “ts’ono’ot” connect the entire region through underground rivers. The chant of the “toh” bird echoes through the jungle trees next to the red waters stained by the bleeding red mangroves. With my legs hanging to the void, I sat on the edge of Uxmal Pyramid, admiring the Yucatan Peninsula, a source of beauty yet increasing agony.

The Mexican government decided a year ago to build the Mayan Train, which would cut through this landscape, slaughtering 2500 hectares of jungle-trees, habitat to native species, and endanger the local water supply. Yucatan is filled with turquoise pools called cenotes hidden all along the thick jungle, which supply 70% of the people living in the region. If one is polluted, all the others are too. If train machinery or construction waste falls into a cenote, this would prove fatal to the people, largely indigenous, living in this region.

As I sat there feeling the warm breeze, the previous days’ memories crowded my thoughts. I had come to Yucatan to make a geopolitical analysis of the region’s problems. As part of the investigation, I interviewed teachers, farmers, priests, indigenous people who took care of the cenotes and a group of workers of a natural reserve. For me, it was completely inconceivable that anyone supported that project. The train track would destroy a significant part of the jungle and risk 70% of the region’s water, yet the workers from the natural reserve were in favor. How could someone support their own demise?

I learned that people supported this project for reasons valid in their own contexts and lives, after decades of oppression and poverty, working incredibly hard to have something to eat that day, selling what little they had to be able to eat dinner. They had been forced to care for the “now,” even if the decisions now would condemn their future. “It is one for another,” said the professor. The Government had promised to boost tourism by connecting their towns through railroads along the Yucatan peninsula. For the people, it was not a matter of future preservation, but of present survival.

As I heard more of their reasons, I finally began to understand the train support. I realized not everything was black and white, right or wrong, ethically divided in an irrevocable polarization.

I try to carry this open-mindedness wherever I go. I used to argue with my brother for hours about politics and news, and have come to see that sometimes we were even on the same side, but due to the heat of the discussion we didn’t really hear each other. Once we argued about our government, from limiting government spending to business regulations and anti-corruption measures. Our ideas were not opposite and they could coexist, yet we were arguing. The other times when we had opposite opinions, I realized that he had valid reasons to see the topic that way. Whether in conversations over dinner or Model UN debates, I now strive to hear others' points of view and find areas of common agreement.

When I ponder over my experience in Yucatan, I come to see that even though I’m still against the train, I also understand the perspectives of the people living there. Life is not one sided–every situation has multiple perceptions which are held by different yet valid reasons. If I want to find the solution to human problems, I first have to understand humans. For me the discussion was about the environment and the future, but for people in the Yucatan, it was about survival. The train will in all likelihood be built and even though this is not the output I hoped for, it will let people build their future day by day, in any way they can.

“Listening” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay is unified by a clear and compelling central theme that highlights the author’s intellectual curiosity and maturity. The anecdote showcases a moment where the author responds to initial doubt and confusion with a patient commitment to deep listening and knowledge seeking.
• The essay's narrative centers around a significant experience in the Yucatan, where the author questioned their own beliefs in light of the local community's support for a project that appeared contradictory to their own interests, culture, and values. This pivotal life experience is inextricably linked to an important realization that listening and empathy are essential to learning, discovery, and understanding — a life lesson that provides a strong foundation for contributing positively to college life and for guiding productive lifelong learning.

Opportunity for Improvement

• Closing the essay with comments about the Yucatan detracts slightly from the more important and central personal themes. The author could consider revising the conclusion to showcase the personal insights and how they will guide their college journey.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The essay employs vivid descriptions within a personal narrative and informational writing elements to paint a picture of the Yucatan in ways that add depth and significance to the author's contemplative moments and pivotal reflections. The imagery of the "endless green" and the "chant of the 'toh' bird" helps to engage the reader.
• The author also is very effective in punctuating the narrative elements with insightful and mature universal reflections, articulated with wording that makes them very vivid and memorable, such as “I realized not everything was black and white, right or wrong, ethically divided in an irrevocable polarization. Or, If I want to find the solution to human problems, I first have to understand humans.”

Opportunity for Improvement

• Sometimes syntax is fragmented and occasionally verb tenses don’t align well with the narrative context. These are the kinds of small flaws that an author will typically address in final revision and proofreading stages — remember that using a tool such as Grammarly or getting input from a more experienced writer are ways to help put the final touches on your personal essay.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The author adeptly addresses the prompt by narrating their experience in Yucatan, explaining the internal conflict they faced upon discovering contrasting viewpoints, and revealing the growth in their understanding of the complexities behind those viewpoints.
• The essay's conclusion, where the author applies this newfound understanding to their interactions with others, reinforces their responsiveness to the prompt.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The essay responds well to the prompt, but the author could consider closing the conclusion with an additional sentence or two that showcase how her nuanced perspective on life’s contradictions and social challenges will shape their personal college journey.

3. “App Wisdom”

School: Duke University

Prompt: Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Essay:
Shinichi Hoshi, my favorite fiction writer from my childhood, once said:

“To generate ideas is to gather the opinions of many people, research a wide range of materials, organize them according to one's judgment, and draw new possibilities from them.”

Upon entering high school, I became very busy with studying, club activities, and school events. At the time I had the impression that the key to success was just following adults’ advice and accomplishing the tasks that were given to me.

One day, I re-read many of Shinichi’s books including Bokko-chan, written in 1971. The book contains many short stories about future worlds, and how people there act, think, and utilize future technologies.

For me, the most memorable story in Bokko-chan was about an assistant robot that helped a man with every part of his life automatically. This robot was so supportive that the man did not have to do anything by himself. That included getting up, eating breakfast, going to his office, going home, taking a bath, and much more. However, one day, when the robot brought the man to his office as usual, his co-workers screamed because the man had already passed away.

When I read this story, I felt that this technology could be a solution to problems that current society has, such as the overwork of care workers. However, I also realized that Shinichi Hoshi was telling me that the inventors of Bokko-chan were wrong. They had not properly considered the scientific ethics of a robot that didn't take into account the condition of the user. From this, I learned that a person must properly consider many different aspects and not get blinded to a single vision when making something new.

Through stories like Bokko-chan, Shinichi Hoshi taught me the importance of thinking for myself, conducting research from multiple perspectives and making my own decisions based on that research and my own creativity. This was so different from the way I had approached high school up until that point and made me want to find a project of my own to put these new values into action.

I decided to start by helping my grandmother. Over the past few years, I had become worried about my grandmother's driving, as she would sometimes forget to check the traffic light when entering an intersection and would have trouble controlling her driving speed. I considered what I could do and noticed that she had her own smartphone. Therefore I decided to develop a smartphone application with a dynamic speed alert feature, and a feature to notify her when approaching an intersection. I also wanted to make a notification feature so that my family could see if my grandmother had any dangerous drives.

Inspired by Shinichi Hoshi, I decided to conduct many kinds of research. I analyzed high-risk situations through a large data set on traffic incidents related to elderly car drivers, provided to me by Professor Takahiro Tanaka of Nagoya University. I also looked to learn about the worries of elderly drivers firsthand by talking with many potential users, including my grandmother. These different perspectives allowed me to understand the entire scope of the problem. At various points in the development, I asked several of the elderly people I had previously interviewed to test my application. I was so excited to hear that the application was easy to use and that the alert features helped them be more careful while driving.

This project taught me how fun it is to manage a research project of my own, and gave me a sense of fulfillment in being able to help my grandmother. This experience, inspired by Shinichi Hoshi's words, roused a greater interest in conducting research for societal issues. For the rest of my long life, I would like to take on many challenges using Shinichi Hoshi’s words as a guiding light.

“App Wisdom” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The central theme of the essay, which revolves around the author's journey of self-discovery, inspired by the works of Shinichi Hoshi and culminating in a meaningful project to assist their grandmother, is clearly presented.
• The theme effectively connects different essay elements and conveys how the author's perspective on their life, identity, and path to future success evolved in a way that allowed the author to embrace exploring new ideas, conducting research, and implementing practical solutions.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The culminating reflections on the central theme in the conclusion could be made more probing and memorable. The author could think about deeper reflections to share that really highlight the most important aspects of the central themes about inquiry and experimentation.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The writing quality is commendable, and the essay maintains a strong narrative flow. The author is able to use language effectively to shift from the opening quote, to reflections on a short story, to a narrative about developing a new Smartphone app. Varied sentence length and effective transition words and phrases make shifts in focus, time, and perspective easy to follow.
• Throughout the essay, the writer uses descriptive language to provide vivid examples and personal experiences, such as the story from "Bokko-chan” and the interactions with professors and elderly drivers that guide the App design.

Opportunity for Improvement

• There are a few instances where the writing could be tightened for more concise expression. As you read this sample essay, ask yourself where an emphasis on showing as opposed to telling might help the author tighten the narrative and connect smaller details more effectively with key themes.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• By sharing a favorite quote from a favorite author and connecting that interest with important life reflections, accomplishments, goals, and aspirations, the author clearly succeeded in forging an effective essay in response to the open-ended prompt.
• The author uses a personal story effectively to showcase their ability to question, research, and challenge prevailing ideas and apply a life lesson to real-world goals and accomplishments without ever wandering from the main theme and the quote that introduces the essay.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The essay conclusion could provide more valuable insights into personal values, self-awareness, and academic habits that will shape the author’s college journey.

4. “Flow”

School: Harvard University

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

Essay: A plane is typically on autopilot except for takeoff and landing when the pilot controls the plane manually. Like a Boeing-777, I have an autopilot and a manual pilot, my subconscious and conscious. Tetris knows this too.

I met Tetris two years ago. They were always full of surprises, jabbing me with their pointy vertices when I least expected it. Tetris could easily frustrate me with their stubborn unpredictability, which made me want to know them even more, but Tetris could also leave me feeling accomplished and ecstatic. Those first few weeks, Tetris captivated me.

I concentrate on moving, spinning, and holding the Tetris blocks to keep them from overwhelming the screen and losing the game. This intense conscious thinking drains me. Before I place it, there is no time to think about where each block goes. After a while, I notice that it is comfortable to zone out and let my fingers take over. On the soccer pitch, a similar sensation washes over me. Time slows down. The grooves and seams on the ball jump out at me as I plant my foot firmly and prepare to shoot. It’s just me and the ball in a bubble of determination. I fixate my attention on the ball as it propels off my foot and ends up in the goal.

However, I realize that reliance on instinct is insufficient to be successful. For example, I’ve instinctively shot and missed the goal when a pass to a teammate would’ve guaranteed a goal. Instinct allows me to act automatically, but it hinders me from making informed decisions. Logic is needed to anticipate the next Tetris block or the progression of the soccer match. With logic, I can leave my bubble to expand my focus beyond the Tetris block and the soccer ball to the computer screen and the soccer pitch to consider the big picture, whether that is how close I am to my high score or the current score of the soccer game. A balance needs to be struck between instinct and logic, my subconscious and conscious.

Wanting to investigate the idea of consciousness, I consulted Flow by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. According to Csikszentmihalyi, people can control their consciousness to serve their goals. To create my own interpretation of Csikszentmihalyi’s work, the mathematician inside me represents my conscious state as the fluctuating ratio of the two states of what I’ve called “instinct” and “logic.” However, what I’ve called “instinct” is actually a conscious state due to its repetition. I’ve repeated an action, whether it is placing a block or passing the ball, so many times I’m able to minimize my attention. I would prefer to direct my brain power to the mind-consuming “logic”, which requires me to expand my focus and handle unique situations. The ratio of “instinct” and “logic” is often dictated by the action itself, occurring in my subconscious.

However, what if I could dictate the ratio consciously? If I am able to allocate all my attention purposefully in a state of hyper-awareness, would I not have utter influence over the quality and precision of my actions? To me, the person that Csikszentmihalyi described is someone who controls their “mind ratio” efficiently.

Growing up, I’ve been a massive math and programming nerd. My parents enrolled me in online math and programming courses all throughout elementary and middle school. With all the time spent on them, I’ve always thought I would study math or computer science in college. Stemming from a simple desire to improve at Tetris and soccer, my time observing and analyzing how I use my brain during these activities opened my eyes to neuroscience and psychology. As I venture forward in my academic and athletic endeavors, I wish to deepen my knowledge of the brain, whether that is through a major or discussions with my peers. I plan on flying high into the sky of opportunities.

“Flow” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The author’s reflections on the interplay between instinct and logic, the conscious and subconscious mind create a strong thematic focus for exploring their own personal growth and evolving academic interests. The metaphor of Tetris and soccer helps illustrate the concept of balancing instinct and logic, making the theme more concrete, engaging, and relatable.
• The author also uses the elements effectively in response to the challenge of sharing why psychology and neuroscience are taking the place of math and computer science as a core academic focus as the author transitions from high school to college.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could try to make the central theme stronger and reveal more about their values and interests by providing a bit less detail about Tetris and soccer and more references to key pillars of Csikszentmihalyi’s theories and their connection to important activities and aspirations in the author’s life.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The essay uses creative metaphors and analogies to explain abstract concepts and mental states. The author effectively uses inner dialogue to move the narrative forward and reveal their own evolving insights and perspectives for the reader.
• The author can shift writing styles with apparent ease from figurative language, to philosophical reflection, to vivid narrative description with nicely varied sentence structures and word choice that keep the writing lively and entertaining.

Opportunity for Improvement

• There are instances where the author could improve concision and clarity, especially where the author rambles a bit in articulating their understanding of consciousness.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay effectively responds to the prompt by discussing the event or realization (discovering the balance between instinct and logic) that led to a period of personal growth and new self-understanding. The author elaborates on this realization through the Tetris and soccer experiences, and how it motivated them to explore the concepts of consciousness, psychology, and neuroscience.
• The essay combines various narrative elements effectively to showcase the author's growth in self understanding and provides insights into the experiences, influences ( Csikszentmihalyi), and inner reflections that led to shifting academic interests.

Opportunity for Improvement

• Since reading a specific author was a pivotal component of the experiences and reflections, the author should shed more light on specific ideas from the readings and how they influenced their thinking.

5. “Distant Dreams”

School: Stanford University, Yale University

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay: “SHHH! You’ll wake him up.” I whispered, hoping that my brother’s giggles didn’t interrupt my Abue’s sleep. Fascinated, we quietly stared at his –still open– left eye.

“Are you sure he’s not awake...?” He was not, but his fake eye almost fooled us.

Outside, the sun was scorching, the birds were singing, and the soft smell of pure Colombian hot chocolate crept into the room, transporting me to a cacao field in Tolima. I could feel my Abue’s terror when the military invaded his pueblo and fields. BAM! Deafening shots ran through my mind, shattering the image of cacao crops, replacing them with coca – “the devil’s crop” – used to make cocaine and the unspoken reason behind the fascinating absence of my Abue’s left eye.

For the past century, war fueled by drug trafficking has left permanent scars on millions of Colombians—my Abue included. Yet, in less profitable substitution crops such as cacao, my Abue and other farmers found hope, uniting to grow the “good crops” and challenge the drug industry. Life, however, is more convoluted. Something new was threatening farmers’ tremendous efforts to escape narcotrafficking: Moniliasis, a microscopic disease destroying 90% of cacao crops. Peace became just a distant dream, and my grandpa had to leave Tolima. I grew up gradually understanding that the excitement in my Abue’s voice when speaking of the countryside only camouflaged his unfulfilled desire to return home someday.

I was unable to conceive how something so imperceptible could change someone's life so abruptly, until it was my turn to face another disease: suspected cancer, growing rampantly in my blood. The ambiguous diagnoses and new treatments showed me how limited was my control over the future. When I felt the cold flow of medicine running through my veins, daydreaming about life outside hospitals, I could not have anticipated that my muscles would ache so much that I would consider giving up. I was not invincible, I was human, recognizing this gave me self awareness and opened my eyes to the fleeting element of time. How I chose to invest that time was the only thing I could control, and I had a new mission: make cacao more competitive than coca and thus keep my Abue's heritage safe.

I later found myself in yet another online research binge, awake at 11:30 pm because my «Computer Vision» free-access course would expire soon. While I researched sensitivity and specificity to evaluate Machine Learning models, I learned that Moniliasis induces cacao cobs to produce 7000 million spores that are infection vectors easily moved by wind. Early detection is crucial. I also discovered that the fungus causes unique marks the human eye cannot detect in early stages, whereas a machine can. Eventually, with 627 cacao images, I built an Artificial Intelligence (AI) model that would allow farmers to detect Moniliasis before the crops are lost. The hope for a better life, away from violence, of more than 25 thousand cacao growing families like my Abue’s, could be preserved with the power of a few lines of code.

My grandpa once discovered his contribution towards peace in cacao. Now I see in AI the power to embrace historically marginalized areas and contribute to peacebuilding and gender equality in Colombia. Obstacles in life led me to AI research, but now it has connected me to parts of my family roots and identity in incredible ways. It has taught me that while the future is uncertain, I am certain of one thing: I have found purpose.

Sometimes I tell my Abue that AI is not a human-eating robot, but a powerful tool that can support farmers. Today, I can appreciate more deeply the untold stories behind his facial scars. He squints at me with his one eye and asks again how to accept incoming calls. I simply take the phone and explain to him once, twice or three times to slide, not tap.

“Distant Dreams” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay vividly and effectively connects personal experiences and memories with more universal themes related to the author’s discovery of a meaningful purpose and role to play in society.
• The different experiences, memories, and accomplishments highlighted by the author support a unifying theme and showcase the author’s mission-oriented perspective on life and how that informs their drive to master and harness emerging technologies for social betterment.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The writer should consider how they can keep a stronger focus on the most compelling themes in the conclusion paragraph.

2. Writing Quality and Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The essay vividly and effectively describes memories from living in Colombia using imagery, dialogue, and descriptive language and uses clear transitions to help articulate coherent connections between the experiences and compelling personal reflections and insights.
• Even when “telling” as opposed to showing, the author’s language is crisp, captivating, and immersive, as in “I also discovered that the fungus causes unique marks the human eye cannot detect in early stages, whereas a machine can. Eventually, with 627 cacao images, I built an Artificial Intelligence (AI) model that would allow farmers to detect Moniliasis before the crops are lost. The hope for a better life, away from violence, of more than 25 thousand cacao growing families like my Abue’s, could be preserved with the power of a few lines of code.”

Opportunity for Improvement

• Transitions that deepen the connections between the author’s strong interests in AI research and their experiences with illness would enhance the flow and connectivity of these segments.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The prompt references experiences that are uniquely compelling and personal, and the author effectively communicates a strong personal connection to their Colombian heritage, a formative experience battling illness, and an effective pursuit of AI research as a means to contribute to positive change in a context both universal and highly personal.
• The essay effectively articulates the transformative impact of past experiences on the author's growth and self-understanding.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The conclusion wraps up the essay by connecting back to the initial interaction with the Abue, but the author could offer more reflections on the journey itself. The author can emphasize how their sense of purpose has evolved and how their actions reflect their values.

6. “Life’s Stages”

School: University of Chicago

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay: I was going on 13 when my parents took me to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. A gloomy and rebellious kid, I whined non-stop at the ghastly intrusion into my summer vacation. I thought plays were only for English teachers wearing suits. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The play absorbed me, took me through the highs and the lows of the plot, and made me feel emotions I’d never felt before. When the play ended, I thought I’d found my one true love: because I was so moved.

Several years later, when I entered Loomis Chaffee, I wanted to explore every corner of theatre—with the goal of moving people. Even after embarrassing auditions, I continued to participate in every play that I could. During a remake of 12 Angry Men, I remember going on stage and making eye contact with everyone in the audience, just as the actor playing Hamlet had done in Oregon. I received a standing ovation that night, and my friends told me how captivated they were after the performance. I thought I had accomplished my goal. I thought I had moved the audience.

During junior year, I played a zany character (named “Zanni”), wearing a funky Commedia dell’arte mask and talking slowly like a country bumpkin. After bowing to the audience still in character with my hunched back, I saw another standing ovation through the small eye holes in my mask. I felt triumphant. I was then cast as the frilly Prince Herbert in Monty Python’s Spamalot. After my lively performance in Spamalot, I was again met with a standing ovation. But this time, I felt something was amiss. As I was leaving the theater, my friends congratulated me and wanted to take photos together, but I politely declined.

Later that week, I received texts from castmates saying how much they will miss the play. That same week I saw an article on my New York Times App about another failed negotiation to achieve a climate change bill. As rumblings of political mobilizations were heard online, I organized a student delegation to join the protests at the Connecticut State Capitol. On the day of the protest, as our delegation carried signs about the moral decline of our politicians in Hartford, I turned behind me to see a sea of protestors demanding a better world.

That’s when it clicked.

I may have loved playing comic characters or taking people on an emotional rollercoaster in the past. But what I really cared about now was trying to right things in the world. What’s more, I believed theatre, with its ability to shed light on human affairs, could help me do that. Indeed, when Hamlet said “the time was out of joint,” it was not just medieval Denmark but the U.S. today that was being critiqued. This epiphany led me to explore theatre as a tool for social and political change—using Bertolt Brecht’s epic theatre as a model. Slowly, I began to imagine a story that would strike the conscience of the audience with relevant themes.

My venture into political theatre culminated in my own play, To Be Free. On opening night, I saw a room jam-packed with students. Calming my nerves, I walked onto the stage and performed various characters, including a morally corrupt senator who becomes mired in an existential crisis. I don’t know if I delivered all my lines correctly that evening. But it didn’t matter. I knew I had done something right when my Environmental Science teacher, who had been skeptical of my project, told me that my play altered his belief that theatre is ineffective in changing people’s views.

I am now going on 18, and I believe I have a mission. My mission is to use my art to better the world. I am not just here to make people laugh or cry; I am here to take them to the streets.

“Life’s Stages” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• This essay is a powerful and eloquent account of the author's personal journey to using theater as a catalyst for social and political change. The power of theater unites all the biographical and thematic elements of the essay, creating a clear central theme and focus.
• The ending of the essay dramatizes the extent of the author’s metamorphosis into a social activist committed to using the stage as a tool for social and political change. The strong sense of singular conviction that ends the essay aligns well with various “epiphanies” that mark the key stages of the author’s narrative and life journey. This strong vision is linked in turn to a sense of purpose at the end of the essay that helps make the autobiographical portrait authentic and memorable.

Opportunity for Improvement

• In the conclusion and elsewhere, the author could look for ways to communicate other ways the theater experiences shape his personality and values, beyond one dominant mission in order to showcase other qualities the author will bring to college learning and college life.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The essay’s personal voice and author’s vivid depiction of personal memories effectively engage the reader from the opening lines. The use of vivid descriptions and personal anecdotes — such as the author's colorful, concise, and slightly self-deprecating opening self portrait, the depictions of the moving experiences in school plays, and the implicit analogies between the theater stage and the political “stage” (the streets where protests take place) — creates a compelling narrative that holds the reader's attention.
• The author's passion and dedication to theater and social change shine through the writing, and the conversational writing style helps the author create a more authentic self portrait..

Opportunity for Improvement

• While there are many instances where the author uses wording and sentence structure to condense big ideas into a compact narrative, there are other times when key events, such as the impact of the author’s play on the science teacher, could be portrayed more memorably and with a stronger connection to important themes.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay is highly responsive to the prompt, which asks applicants to share a background, identity, interest, or talent that is personally meaningful.
• The author's connection to theater is inextricably tied to his values, life story, and evolving sense of purpose and vocation, making it essential information for his college application.

Opportunity for Improvement

• By sharing about other ways the theater experiences impact his personality, perspectives, and values, the author can more fully respond to the prompt and use the prompt more effectively to reveal personal values and aspirations relevant to the college admissions context.

7. “Eye–to–Eye”

School: University of Pennsylvania

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

Essay: “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection” — Dr Brené Brown One wrong step was all it took.

I felt the mud beneath my steel-capped boots dissolve. That once smiling 7 Platoon Cadet on his first annual field exercise within the King’s Cadet Corps quickly descended into torment.

My weight began to lean over Roping Mountain’s edge. Then, I fell into Singleton’s valleys.

Every fibre in my body felt the crash as I hit the bottom of the first cliff face. Head over heels I began rolling. I winced as the harsh shrub and gravel stabbed through my camo uniform. I cursed as rocks bruised my skin. Crashing into a tree stump, I spun to a grinding stop two body lengths from a 15-metre drop.

Two lengths from death.

“Hang in there!”, my Cadet Under Officer yelled sympathetically from the top. But, he never came down.

Alone.

Helpless...

Three years on, I stood at the bottom of Roping Mountain - now as the Cadet Under Officer of 7 Platoon. This was the first field exchange for the Corps in three years since the onset of COVID.

Though it had been years, this place still haunted me. And I was supposed to be the leader of my platoon?

The memories came rushing back. It was even worse with the pressure of being a leader. I was petrified with each step I took, worried that the rock beneath my foot would give way.

Don’t fall, I told myself. Don’t fall.

Then, a scream snapped me out of my own fear. One of my Cadets - Ethan - had nearly slipped.

I saw myself in him.

Uncannily at the same cliff where I fell, Ethan’s anxiety exploded. He broke down, crying and screaming. He turned to the closest tree and started punching at its trunk; his knuckles bloodied. Though I was scared as well, I thought of what I had wanted from my Cadet Under Officer three years ago. Instead of sympathetically telling him to “hang in there”, I knew I had to be there with him. Jumping down to where he was, I hugged him and didn’t let him go. I grabbed his pack and held his hand - we were going to get through this together.

To make sure he knew he wasn't alone, I stayed right beside him throughout the expedition. Soon, Ethan’s grip on my hand loosened and he took more confident steps. No longer did I see any worry in Ethan, but rather a smile. The confidence I saw in Ethan compared to the lack of confidence I had after my fall proved that it is empathy, not sympathy, that is crucial in fostering connection and growth.

Since then, I actively took the opportunity in every interaction to be empathetic. Instead of just encouraging younger students to “work hard”, I proactively organized free workshops through TKS Tutoring with the information that I would have wanted to know at their age. Instead of just giving advice to mentees through thePlatform, I searched for well-being resources with them to ensure they got the help they needed most. The best part was seeing the growth in the younger students, my mentees and Ethan. They started showing empathy to their own mentees: they did not simply tell others that it will be okay; they showed with actions that they cared.

As Dr Brené Brown would agree, you cannot help a Cadet by being the sympathetic leader who looks from above and provides empty encouragement. You have to go to the bottom, look at the Cadet eye-to-eye, and say “let’s climb up together”. Whether that is a literal mountain, or a figurative one - exams, dorm life, or a friend struggling with mental health - I will always be right next to them during adversity, not only as the empathetic leader, but as a roommate and friend.

“Eye–to–Eye” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The author uses a personal story of overcoming fear and character development to create a clear and compelling central theme.

• The narrative uses the contrast between the author's present position as a platoon leader and an earlier memory of falling from Roping Mountain as a cadet to highlight a key life lesson and leadership insight about the power of empathy and connects this theme to a vision for future contributions to college life.

  Opportunity for Improvement

• The author may want to consider the value of developing related and relevant themes further, such as the motivation for becoming a platoon leader, the ability to overcome adversity and fear, in order to reveal more personal insights into important values and character traits. The author could briefly explore how their life experiences will help them be an effective leader in other contexts and confer on them an ability to impart leadership skills to others.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The writing quality is strong, with vivid descriptions and compelling storytelling that captures the reader's attention. The author demonstrates creativity and writing skill in their use of montage elements supported by sensory details and vivid imagery.
• The essay effectively alternates between past and present experiences, creating a coherent and engaging flow. The author's ability to convey emotions and introspective thoughts adds authenticity to the narrative.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could develop the initial anecdote to more fully describe the personal challenge they experienced by using more vivid descriptions of the cliff and of the author’s own inner doubts and fears. This will engage the reader, provide a stronger emotional hook at the beginning of the essay, and help foreshadow and illuminate the author’s empathy for the cadet who has a similar experience after the author becomes a platoon leader.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay is highly responsive to the prompt, which asks applicants to discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked personal growth and a new understanding of self or others.
• The author effectively presents the event of falling from Roping Mountain as the catalyst for their growth and transformation and explores how this event shaped their leadership approach and their realization about the importance of empathy.

Opportunity for Improvement

• By delving deeper into the theme of leadership the author might be able to take an already strong essay and make a significant improvement by further exploring a theme that is highly relevant to the admissions context.

8. “Conviction vs. Confinement”

School: University of Pennsylvania, New York University, Boston College

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

Essay: “That ministry is insignificant, it won’t benefit your future.” Coming from my grandfather, these words maimed me. He didn’t understand why I decided to intern with the Ministry of Women and Children instead of the Ministry of Tourism and Creative Economy, which is deemed vastly more important in Indonesia. When my mother saw my tear-filled eyes, her strong front dissipated as she said, ”I’ve lived with him for 40 years, some people are unchangeable.” In his traditional eyes, women are less important. Unfortunately my mother's life was sculpted to fit the mold my grandfather created in his household.

My mother grew up with 5 siblings, my only uncle being the youngest. She grew up understanding that her hard work would increase the appearance of her brother, as the face of the family. She was strong and resilient, but she would not go against the values of the household due to respect for her father. Her hard work eventually made her the sole source of financial stability for him and his family. As a young girl, I perceived how this pierced my mother’s heart. She became the ringing reminder to fight for what I believed in because that would be fighting for her.

I love Indonesia’s diversity, strength, community, and enchanting colors but my country is also filled with poverty, inequality, and gender discrimination. As I grew older, I realized the double standard to which women were held by how women were expected to dress, work, and get married. Unable to create change for my mother, I worked to help other women’s situations, such as discrimination in their workplace and victims of abuse having no one believe in them.

I decided to intern with the Ministry of Women and Children under the Department of the Protection of Women's Rights. Through rigorous interviews and several emails, I became the first high school intern in the national government, but this did not affect how my grandfather viewed the opportunity. I stood out in the office. Men asked if I belonged there to which I would reply: I am an intern here. Still, this ministry was where I wanted to spend all my time. It challenged my perception of the world. Although my skin was a little lighter, my Indonesian vocabulary a little rougher, and my age a little younger, I was surrounded by women with shared values and goals.

Despite all women working towards justice in the ministry, even nationally, my grandfather was proven right. Most people with actual power in the Ministry of Women were men. Still, slowly, we were making firm progress towards lasting change. I surveyed women throughout Indonesia about experiences of abuse to analyze the position of women in society and create solutions to decrease the rates of abuse. We created workshops at the office that aided women with post traumatic stress disorder. Nationally, we passed legislation that made abuse against women a punishable crime.

I was driven by the firm expectations set for daughters such as my mother, granddaughters such as myself, and every woman in Indonesia. The expectation for women to be subservient to men turned into a source of motivation that changed my life and the lives of many others. My grandfather’s words did not affect me the way it affected my mother. Instead of changing my perspective on the things I believed in, my grandfather's words deepened my conviction. It was painful to watch the expectations that my mother continues to experience but it gave me the courage to keep pursuing my beliefs. To create a future where women are not met with double standards, a future where women like my mother will have the opportunity to develop to their fullest potential, a future where Indonesia is equally built on the strength of both men and women working together to achieve our country’s motto: Bhinneka Tunggal Ika, Unity in Diversity.

“Conviction vs. Confinement” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay effectively centers around the author's personal growth journey sparked by an event — the choice to intern with the Ministry of Women and Children despite familial and societal pressures.
• The theme of gender discrimination, societal expectations, and the author's determination to challenge these norms is clear and strongly conveyed. The essay effectively conveys the idea that adversity can fuel personal growth and drive meaningful change.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could provide more insights for the reader on how the lessons learned from the experiences with family and in work settings inform their college journey, to showcase impacts of the experiences that extend beyond the quest to promote change in Indonesia.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The author's use of personal anecdotes and family experiences adds authenticity to the narrative. The writing is articulate and expressive, capturing the reader's attention with vivid descriptions and emotive language.
• The essay effectively alternates between past experiences, family history, and the author's own growth journey, making for engaging storytelling.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author should check for places where syntax is fragmented or disjointed or the chosen wording does not align as well as possible with the intended meaning and polish the writing. The author may want to use a tool such as Grammarly or get editing suggestions from an outside reader as another strategy for improving flow and clarity and to ensure the essay showcases strong skills in the areas of grammar and language mechanics.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay fully addresses the prompt by discussing an event that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of oneself and others. This essay is a powerful account of personal growth and transformation in the face of societal norms and familial expectations.
• The author uses the prompt and growth story to weave together many revealing features of their life experiences in a unified fashion, including confronting confining family expectations, serving as an intern at the Ministry of Women and Children, exploring real-world women's issues, and their growing commitment to gender equality.

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the author shares a compelling account of how adversity sparked personal growth, the author could also use the experience of working as an intern to reveal more about important personal qualities, aspirations, and talents they discovered from stepping out into the world and not being limited by others’ expectations.

9. “Unification”

School: Columbia University, Vanderbilt University

Prompt: Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Essay: 8 a.m., 24th February 2022, a message flashes across the screen of my phone: ‘Russia has invaded Ukraine.’ Lying in bed I think to myself, ‘Will my friends stop speaking to me? Am I now an outcast, as surely all Russians will be?’

I toss and turn, pondering the motives of Russia’s actions and worrying about the reactions of my classmates in Berkshire, England. I felt burdened with the guilt of Putin’s actions simply because I had spent my early childhood in Moscow and spoke Russian—just another ‘Ruski’ as, with nonchalance, I was occasionally referred to in class. Despite the fact I was born to a German father and a Kazakh mother.

8.30 a.m., the same morning, I enter class. All eyes are on me.

After a couple of awkward seconds, my best friend, Hugo, breaks the deafening silence by springing out of his seat and hugging me with a brotherly love, ‘How are you, mate? How is your family? Do you have anyone left in Moscow? Tons of similar questions come from the rest of the class and the teacher. Math is irrelevant today. For the next fifty minutes, I gathered all the little knowledge I had of the Russia-Ukraine situation to present and discuss with my friends.

This was the day my British identity was confirmed to me, by the warm acceptance and care shown by my friends. I was indeed one of them—not because my family lives in Surrey and not because English is my native language. The British values formed by my British DNA were broken by Putin - the borders of democracy, freedom and individual choice of Ukraine were violated.

The declaration of war first enraged me, but gradually the Force raised within me. I had previously set up an English language initiative in Kazakhstan and decided to do the same for Ukrainian child refugees in the UK, making use of my Russian and English language.

The children from Ukraine had different ethnic backgrounds : Ukrainian, Russian, Greek , Jewish, and many were from mixed families. However, under threat they all united for Ukraine and shared a single dream for freedom and peace. There was no hatred towards the Russian language and culture. What everyone hated was Russian neo-colonial values. How to preserve Russian cultural heritage is a big question for the future.

Random conversations with these children disclosed something else which unites us Brits and Ukrainians: a passion for football! It gave birth to our charity ‘Play for Ukraine’. Partnered with UNICEF, we send football kits to refugee camps across Eastern Europe so that children can enjoy the respite of the game despite the current climate. The photos we received of gleeful children with our footballs in their hands, is something I will never quite forget. I feel immensely proud of this project and have realized for the first time how my individual actions can have a positive impact on even those of which I do not know and, in all likelihood, will never know personally.

The war will be over one day, sooner rather than later. We will have learnt that decency prevails and that cultural differences, distinctive though they are, remain superficial and contingent and not essential to our basic human nature. Even a language, a cultural product which may dispose to divide, can equally serve as a bridge between cultures, when it is not wielded as a tool of tyranny. We might have different passports, ethnic origins, and adopt different identities. No matter what, our values are the foundations of our personal choices, be it war or peace.

“Unification” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay effectively centers on the author's response to the Russia-Ukraine conflict and the development of their British identity through personal experiences and actions. The intertwined values of human unity and making positive contributions to society create a consistent thematic focus.
• The central theme is maintained throughout the essay and is effective in allowing the author to share revealing insights into their sense of identity, their perspectives on human nature, and core values of brotherhood and altruism.

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the introduction is attention-grabbing, it might benefit from a slightly clearer transition into the main narrative. Directly connecting the opening scenario to the subsequent discussion of the author's experiences and actions can help the reader follow the progression more smoothly. The author’s use of very broad themes — about humankind — are conveyed with emotion and authenticity but the author’s logical perspective is sometimes hard to follow and the author should develop and clarify some of the main ideas and core personal insights.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The opening paragraph sets a powerful tone by immediately introducing the reader to the central event – Russia's invasion of Ukraine – and the author's internal turmoil. It effectively captures the emotional impact of the event and foreshadows the themes of identity and belonging that will be explored in the essay.
• The author uses vivid narrative descriptions effectively, such as in the description of his emotions and of the classroom at school, to inject authenticity, emotional intensity, and vulnerability that help make the essay and portrait of the author memorable.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could consider connecting the personal experience and the “Play for Ukraine” charitable activities more explicitly to the theme of unity and the development of a British identity. This will help connect narrative details and key themes more effectively. The author should seek greater clarity of expression when sharing lasting lessons and insights and defining the personal values that emerge from their personal experiences.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay effectively responds to the prompt by sharing a personal story that explores the author's growth and understanding in response to a significant event with powerful emotional and social dimensions.
• It demonstrates how the author's experiences led to the development of a stronger sense of identity and unity and how personal values and convictions about common bonds between all people informed positive action.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The conclusion effectively reinforces the theme of unity and values, but it could be further strengthened by emphasizing the author's personal growth and understanding as a result of their experiences. The author has an opportunity to better showcase the personal outlook and aspirations that were shaped by the experiences and these will impact their college journey.

10. “All for One”

School: Yale University

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay: “What kind of a family is that?”

We had been driving for hours. It was summer and we were headed to New York to see my first Broadway show; it was our first family trip since my dad came to visit us in Toronto in over a year. My father was at the wheel, approaching the border when I saw her out of the corner of my eye – the US Border Security agent.

She had a gruff voice and was heavily armed and padded. I watched from the back seat with my older sister, nervously observing the situation. The guard eyed our passports of two different colours with suspicion – my father with his red Russian passport, the three of us with our blue Canadian passports. She started asking my father questions in English and my mother had to interject – my father does not speak English. The security agent kept pushing.

I was growing steadily uncomfortable. Why are we being interrogated like this? Should I help my mom translate for my dad? I could not help but feel humiliated. My unease only swelled when she questioned,

“A husband and wife living apart in two different countries? What kind of a family is that?” I felt like she had sucked all of the air out of the car.

I knew our living arrangement was not traditional. Since I was seven years old, my life has been divided in two – events are sorted into “before” and “after” moving to Canada, memories split between Moscow and Toronto. I became increasingly good at mental math thanks to the endless time zone calculations. The familiar green WhatsApp icon became a home in itself – a meeting place where we told stories, laughed, and cried. So when the border agent asked, “What kind of a family is that?” all I could think of was: “Ours.”

I thought about this incident for a long time, wondering what would have happened had all of us stayed together in Moscow or moved to Toronto with my dad. I know I would have missed out on countless experiences by settling for just one path. In Canada, I learned English and French, had Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and performed musicals on stage. Back in Russia, I rode the Moscow subway with my grandmother to the Bolshoi, recited Pushkin’s poems, and watched my parents’ favourite Soviet cartoons. Although questions about my background do not exactly have straightforward answers, I cherish belonging to both worlds. I am grateful to have experiences and hear perspectives that challenge the way I see the world and force me to look beyond the four walls I am in, especially in face of growing global polarization.

There is nothing that scares me more than having to choose just one city, interest, club, or direction. And identifying with more than one does not invalidate all of the others. My logical approach to scene work, informed by my scientific background, has made me a meticulous performer, attune to details. The spirit of inquiry I found in theatre has helped me find creativity in the dullest of lab reports. And refusing to say no to one means I do not miss out on the beauty of the other. I think this is why the Border Security agent was so annoyed – our lives were not neatly tied up, our stories not utterable in under ten words. They were messy, and that made her job harder. But it is in the messy bits where I found the most joy and exposure to everything the world has to offer.

A wise prophet (Hannah Montana) once said, “You get the best of both worlds.” Clearly my young and impressionable mind took these words to heart. Having lived in both worlds, I do not want to end there – I want to get the best of all worlds. The messy bits and all.

“All for One” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay effectively conveys the significance of the author's unique family background and the way it has shaped their perspective.
• The central theme of embracing multiple cultures and experiences is clear and well-established and the author uses it effectively to showcase their mature thought processes and outlook on life.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could try to improve the essay with a stronger conclusion that makes more meaningful connections between the quote and larger themes in the essay. The author could think about ways to make a stronger connection between the conclusion and the opening anecdote in order to make the essay stronger, more coherent, and memorable.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• This essay is a compelling exploration of the author's family background and the way it has influenced their identity, and the writing is engaging and vivid, capturing the reader's attention from the start.
• The narrative transitions effectively between vivid personal anecdotes, inner reflections, and deeper insights. There is a clear first-person perspective and the author's voice shines through with authenticity in a conversational and relatable tone.

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the essay starts with a strong hook, it could benefit from providing a bit more context about the significance of the family's situation before diving into the border crossing scene. This will help the reader better understand the context and set the stage for the rest of the essay.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay strongly responds to the prompt by sharing a story that is central to the author's identity and experiences.
• The author effectively highlights what is unique and exceptional about their family background and describes with natural authenticity how this dual life has enriched their perspectives on learning and their respect for culture.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author could develop further reflections on how their “messy” family life influences their perspectives and reveal how those perspectives will impact their college journey and life aspirations.

11. “More Than Lilies”

School: Johns Hopkins University

Prompt: Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Essay: Fun psychology test: Click to see the personality flower.

Lilies: kind, altruistic, and modest are your defining adjectives. Elegance and grace shine through your behavior.

I often find personality tests attractive, clicking on and on to satisfy my curiosity. Yet, I am always somewhat perplexed or disappointed when looking at the result of lilies. The reason is apparent: It contradicts my name - Rose.

People would agree I am lily-like through my behaviors: greeting everyone nicely, helping others, and having no strong temperament. These tendencies usually hide the rugged sides of my personality. As teachers and friends see me as an easy-going girl, these comments seemingly conceal my definitive characteristics. But like a rose, when you push it, grab it, or move aside the leaves, you will find the hidden thorns and see that I am more than just a “nice girl.”

Let me now redefine my “Rose”:

Two elements are essential. One is the vivid color of the petals. Two, the thorns. It was in handicrafts that I first discovered these traits.

My crafts scatter around my house in my backpacks, on the corner of the shelf, and in the beautiful storage box. Every element, the color, the pattern, the form, is carefully selected, neatly pinned, and delicately joined. I can feel a unique sense of excitement and cheerfulness when combining my choices. Whether it's the transparent blue that illustrates the Milky Way and peace or the collage pattern that outlines my intense desire to find commonalities in contradicting thoughts, the memories and ideas involved in the crafts demonstrate its importance. Like the red of the rose, my enjoyment in handicrafts is intense and observable, not hidden, not reserved, but bright and apparent in the corner of my house and in the interval of my busy daily life.

Yet, as the beautiful roses can be vulnerable because of their colors, I encounter frustration in my journey of making handicrafts. This is when the thorns come into place. When frustrated with drafting dresses, I often go to the traditional cloth market for inspiration, pick the texture, and scroll through tutorials to find the suitable way of drafting the blueprint, ending at fifty-plus browsing history and eight types of six-meter fabrics. I could also try different sewing techniques: plain, welt, or french seam. Finding inspiration, trying new styles, and following my choice become how I solve problems. Such are the thorns of the rose that stand through the wind while pricking through the clouds of confusion. Among French royal dresses, resin crafts, and pendants, I am on the way to learning and advancing.

I adopted from the “Rose” an aptitude for experiencing, discovering, experimenting, and implementing. My curiosity about science publications and my cooperation in clubs and sustainability led me to public health, solving health issues with scientific studies and the concern of the health community. My rose blossoms in public health: from the ability of fungi to solving the impact of dye pollution on human health, vaccine efficiency, and the relationship between music and sleep, I see my ability to dream, plan and make. Striving to implement solutions in sustainability, medical fields, and daily lives, I found the power, the obsession, and the satisfaction when improving community health from these perspectives with creativity and passion. Thereby I showed them in my projects. Integrating communication and marketing into solving clothing pollution, amalgamating my interests in art by making animations to introduce diseases, and incorporating games with academic studies, I immerse myself in audacity and innovation in the discovery process while pricking through difficulties through continuous research, inspiration, and critical thinking.

Rose: you possess the passion to develop interests, the audacity to try new interests, and the toughness to withstand challenges. We cannot see the thorns at first sight; only when people look closer can they realize how tough and strong the flower is.

“More Than Lillies” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The essay effectively conveys the central theme of embracing complexity and revealing hidden aspects of oneself, drawing an analogy between the author's personality and a rose.
• The concept of both visible and hidden qualities is well articulated and gives the essay a strong foundation and consistent unifying thread.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The rose metaphor is sometimes too narrow to align coherently with the personality traits the author describes, so the author might try to use the metaphor with a lighter touch and give more emphasis and clarity to personality traits and personal values, including what informs them and how they shape the author’s motivations and aspirations.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The vivid writing style engages the reader and effectively communicates the author's perspective on embracing complexity and challenges.
• The essay effectively uses descriptive language to paint a picture of the author's characteristics and experiences, making the content relatable and easy to visualize.

Opportunity for Improvement

• Some more polish of the writing is needed before the essay is submitted: The effort to pack in details and speak in a conversational, personal voice create some exceptional challenges for syntax and punctuation, and so the author needs to better align punctuation with style and meaning in some places and watch for fragmented syntax. The author should make sure the visual effects don’t impede the reader from understanding what’s being described.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay responds to the prompt by exploring the author's unique personality and identity, revealing both the visible and hidden facets of themselves. It effectively conveys the richness and complexity of the author's character.
• The author loves crafting and creativity and has used the very open-ended prompt to craft a creative self-portrait rich in figurative language and devices.

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the author gives some specific examples of interests and activities (such as public health and crafting), they could provide a bit more depth and detail for a few of these examples. This will give the reader a clearer understanding of how these activities showcase the different aspects of their personality and add additional depth and coherence to the smaller details.

12. “Hunger for More”

School: Columbia University, University of Southern California, Fordham University, Boston University,

Prompt: Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Essay:
Me, My Eggs and I

Crack. A moment of apprehension. As I tentatively looked down, my worst fears were confirmed. Frozen in horror, I saw yellow chaos as it engulfed its translucent surroundings, viscous liquid oozing through the pan. I sprung into action, desperate to contain its spread. But alas, it was too late. As the last bit of egg yolk tantalizingly spread over the bacon and whites, I accepted defeat.

In a loud, bustling, and messy household of four, my hunger for perfection was unwelcome. The only time I could give the obsessive perfectionist within me free reign was in the mornings, in the blissful silence of a dormant household. My sunny-side-up eggs with bacon and toast were a beacon of order in my chaotic life.

As simple as the meal may sound, it inevitably became the bane of my existence. Morning after morning, I would wake up with fresh resolve to outdo my eggs from the previous day. I began to methodically test every combination and permutation of every ingredient, and every cooking technique I could muster. I needed perfection.

But the eggs had other ideas. Be it a broken yolk, overcooked whites, or burnt bacon, the eggs were just as stubborn in their pursuit of chaos as I was in pursuit of order. The more I tried to tame the eggs, the more they rebelled against me. And in every broken egg yolk I saw failure.

On this particular morning, just as I had resigned myself to another ruined breakfast, came a eureka moment: who is to say the egg is broken? Why not make an omelet and a sunny-side-up egg in one?

It was a small shift in perspective, but it came with a world of opportunity. Some herbs here, some salt there, a splash of olive oil, and hey, why not add some ham and cheese? And since this egg could become no more sacrilegious, why not add some leftover Bolognese? It was as if my hands acted of their own accord, suddenly liberated from the rigid confines of perfectionism. Only when I reframed chaos and imperfection as opportunity rather than failure did the eggs finally give in. And thus the broken yolk became a staple of my recipe — a symphony of order, chaos, and Bolognese.

For years, I feared the egg yolk that was my identity, desperate to keep it whole and contained even under external strain. And so I lived in fragile equilibrium, held together only by a fear of imperfection. But as my egg recipe started to feel incomplete without broken yolk, so too did I. Little by little, I poked at my egg yolk, embracing my inner chaos and imperfections to reveal the liquid gold inside: unbridled curious drive.

Once petrified by the idea of being wrong, making mistakes, and asking stupid questions, my trepidation turned into fresh excitement to learn, experiment, and create. And the more I poked at my yolk, the more ingredients I found for my omelet.

In 2021, I taught myself how to code. Where I once feared complexity, I saw an opportunity to learn and create; my passion for software development became my ham and cheese. I co-founded the Renewable Energy Team in hopes to make a difference in my community. Where I once resented our failed sustainability efforts, I saw an opportunity for change; my interest in renewable energy became my salt and pepper. I finally found my Bolognese in the world of engineering; a beautiful synthesis of the order of mathematics with the chaos of the world at large; the epitome of creative exploration.

I used to shudder at the thought of breaking the yolk. Today, it is part of my identity. While I am proud of my omelet, my journey of self-exploration is far from over, and I look forward to learning more about myself and the world around me at university.

“Hunger for More” — Tips & Analysis

1. Strength & Clarity of the Central Theme

Strengths

• The central theme of the essay, centered around the analogy of eggs and the pursuit of perfection, is effectively conveyed throughout the narrative. Although the initial anecdote seems a bit trivial at first, it provides for winsome authenticity and the author uses the metaphor and analogy effectively to highlight important themes and insights related to personal growth.
• The use of the metaphor helps the author connect authentic and personal self-descriptions with larger themes and insights, creating a unified structure and theme that make the essay more memorable.

Opportunity for Improvement

• The author should consider making a deeper exploration of specific academic experiences, values, and perspectives, in order to further strengthen the impact and value of the essay for the admissions context.

2. Writing Quality & Writing Mechanics

Strengths

• The author skillfully uses descriptive language, imagery, and inner dialogue to paint a picture of the their experiences and emotions,
• The author demonstrates effective writing skills by blending anecdote, figurative language, and thematic meanings together to create a powerful compositional bridge at the center of the essay that highlights the theme of personal growth, such as: “But as my egg recipe started to feel incomplete without broken yolk, so too did I. Little by little, I poked at my egg yolk, embracing my inner chaos and imperfections to reveal the liquid gold inside: unbridled curious drive. Once petrified by the idea of being wrong, making mistakes, and asking stupid questions, my trepidation turned into fresh excitement to learn, experiment, and create. And the more I poked at my yolk, the more ingredients I found for my omelet.”

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the essay flows well overall, there's a slight abruptness in the transition from the author's realization of making an omelet to their exploration of coding. The author could consider adding some sentences to smoothly connect these concepts, explaining how the shift in perspective led to embracing new challenges.

3. Responsiveness to the Prompt

Strengths

• The essay responds to the prompt by exploring the author's journey of self-discovery and growth, using the analogy of eggs to represent their evolving perspective on perfectionism, chaos, and identity.
• It effectively conveys how the author's experiences have shaped their character and aspirations.

Opportunity for Improvement

• While the essay effectively highlights the author's journey into coding and renewable energy, the author might provide a bit more detail about specific experiences, challenges, and successes in these areas. This will add depth and specificity to the narrative and allow the author to more deeply explore and articulate outlooks and aspirations highly relevant to their college journey.